Herring jokes

How does a blonde punish her blind son? She takes away his TV privileges.

How does a blonde punish her deaf son? She takes away his telephone privileges.

How does a blonde punish her paraplegic son? She gives him a spanking.

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.

Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."

Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."

"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."

Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."

Once a man goes to a restaurant. Then, he was waiting until the waitress comes and tells him that they don't have food.

He was grumpy, but the waitress make him relaxing by unbuttoning her pants and undressing her panties and uncovering clothes from her pussy until everything get striped, then she say to him: "Good meal."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."

Your mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead to make up her mind.

Yo mama so ugly even bullets refuse to kill her.

My sister’s birthday is on 9/11. When she opened her presents, she jumped up with an explosion.

Her chest was so flat, I felt gay while hugging her.

What is a woman doing with an empty sheet?

Reading her rights!

When your gf tells you to treat her like a queen,

and then you remember you’re French.

Yo mama so ugly, when Santa saw her, he said, "Ho, ho, hole shit!"

Her: I love Kobe Bryant!

Me: Helicopter Helicopter

Her:.....

Me: At least you don't say save the trees, cus damn Kobe is good.

What do you call a Chinese hooker that won't get on her knees?

Cantonese...

Yo mama so fat they faked COVID-19 just to put a mask on her.

My 14 year old daughter went shopping at a grocery story.

She gets to the register and she asked the cashier to scan her scarred wrist.

The cashier scanned it and replied with, "Ma'am this item is worthless."

I would rather be drugged and robbed by Cardi B than listen to her f***ing music.

Son: Why is my sister’s name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

My sister thinks she's so smart and funny. The only thing that is funny is her face.

Why was the emo mad?

The picture got hung, not her.