Herring jokes

My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"

I said to the emo girl, "She gets jealous every time her phone dies."

One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”

If a woman says she needs to set boundaries between you and her, you would be crossing it if you are a Mexican.

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was your mother."

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, "That's the fourth time you've gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn't it embarrass you?"

"Why should it?" answered her spouse. "I keep telling them it's for you."

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity.

But she so ugly people are repelled by her.

Yo momma so fat that she could fit the entire map of the world on her body.

Joe mama's so fat, her belly button gets home an hour before she does.

POV: Her name is Alli.

My sister bet me $100 that it was impossible for me to build a working car out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face as I drove pasta!

A man walks into his bedroom where his wife is carrying a sheep under her arm and says, "This is the pig I've been fucking."

Wife says, "That's not a pig; that's a sheep, dumbass."

Husband says, "I was talking to the sheep."

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.

Yo momma's so short that she fell off the toilet and broke her leg.

Stupid Mary Jane was swinging on the swing.

Her momma said, "Stupid Mary Jane, don't swing so high, the boys will see your underwear!"

Stupid Mary Jane laughed and laughed. She knew she wasn't wearing no underwear.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”

Yo mama so fat even Nationwide can't be on her side.

Jordan, you stupid ass! Addison never bothered you so leave her the FUCK alone! How about this? Get up, go outside, stop being a jackass, and get a fucking life!