Herring jokes

Jordan, you stupid ass! Addison never bothered you so leave her the FUCK alone! How about this? Get up, go outside, stop being a jackass, and get a fucking life!

My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.

A girl with no arms and one leg goes to her mother and asks: "Mom, next year for the carnival, can I dress up as a princess?"

The mother replies: "Why? Didn't you like the ice lolly dress from last year?"

Did you know Helen had a playhouse in her backyard? Neither did she!

One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.

Yo mama is so fat even Dora can't explore her.

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.

My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."

Why doesn't Laila in UHS need an insult?

Have a look at her face!

Yo mama is so fat that she is not wrong when she says the world revolves around her.

There was a fire at my high school when I was in Year 7.

When the local newspaper interviewed my teacher, they asked her how she was seeing the "bright side" of it.

She said, "Well, at least our new students got a warm welcome!"

54 students died that day.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, "Who just threw that?"

The boy says, "Me! I’m going home now."

My friend is so short, whenever I dance with her, it’s like dancing with a golf tee.

A can of worms popping up and down inside a lot of people and a girl ate the can of worms: It was her imaginenation.

Mary has a house near a forest. She lives with her bro, and she once asked, "How many trees are there?" Her bro said: "I don't know." She said: "Tree."

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a cheese grater and told her it was a book.

What do you call a white woman working at an all black company?

Crack/her

My screen lock is my favorite picture of my wife. When I'm on a 14-hour shift, being miserable, hating my life... I pull out my phone and gaze at the picture of my wife. Then I realize it's better here than at home with her ass.

This was a few months ago. I used to help people load and unload inventory. One day I’m driving home after having lunch with my sister, and she asked if we can stop at the next gas station. I told her, "So you can weigh yourself on the truck scale?"