Herring jokes

My wife Jean is happy, 😊 pretty, 😍 and pregnant,🤰 boy, 👦 am I glad 😊 I bought her 👩 a new whirlpool washer and dryer.

Washer: $249.95 Dryer: $199.95

My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck a plunger down the toilet.

Yo mama so fat, when she was telling me her weight, I thought she was telling me her number.

I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.

The emo girl got jealous that her phone died and not her.

My girlfriend left me today for spending my own money. What a bitch! I spend a fair amount of money on her for her clothes and Air Force Ones, but as soon as I spend $100 on hookers, she leaves me.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners.

“Come again!” says the woman behind the desk.

“No, it’s curry this time.”

Your sister is so stupid, she only thinks an onion will make people cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

My ex was an orphan as a child.

I should have taken that as the first sign.

If her parents didn’t want her, why would I?

I went to a tall girl and I asked her, "What do you do for a living?" She says, "An account." So I reply with, "An accounting the hairs on people's heads," and then I run away.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

Yo mama is so ugly, her self-portraits hanged themselves.

We thought that my mother died in the best way possible, during her sleep.

But when we did an autopsy on her, we saw she actually died in the worst way possible. During the autopsy.

What’s similar between a pregnant 12 year old and the fetus inside of her?

They’re both thinking, “Oh, shit, my mum’s gonna kill me!”

A little girl said to her mom, "Mom, my butt's cracked, kiss it, kiss it!" Her mom said, "Sweetie, shut up, it's always been there!" Then her daughter died 'cause of her melodramaticness.

Why did Jeffrey get blood on his shoe?

Because this teen just started her period!

Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.

I told her, "Do a wheelie!"

One time Uma Thurman was Poison Ivy; she was weird in that, except for her punny jokes.

Your momma's so fat, when she pulls her knickers down, her ass is still in them.