My sister's name is Coco, and one day she was funny, so I told her, "You coconut."
Yo mamma so stupid when a robber stole her TV, she ran after him saying, "You forgot the remote!"
My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.
I asked my girlfriend what she wanted to eat.
She said nothing, so I took her to Africa.
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
I encountered a milf at a bar last night. Although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy.
We were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time.
Then, she asked me flirtatiously,
"Have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"
I said, "Nope, not yet."
She drank a little more, and said, "Well, darling, tonight is your lucky night."
So she took me to her place.
She took out her keys, opens her door, turns on the light, and she yells towards upstairs,
"Mom, are you still awake?"
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "May I have a bottle of arsenic, please?" She is shocked. "Why would you want something like that?" The man calmly tells her, "I want to poison my unfaithful wife and her lover." The pharmacist is now horrified. She said, "I can not possibly give you that. It is completely illegal and I would lose my license and be prosecuted for conspiracy and murder!" At this point the man hands the pharmacist a photo of his unfaithful wife having sex with the pharmacist's husband. She examines it then looks up at him. "Oh. I didn't know you had a prescription."
I asked my wife if I could use toys during sex last night. You should've seen her face when I rolled my Hot Wheels across her tits.
Why couldn't Helen Keller eat her Big Mac?
She was too busy trying to read the sesame seeds.
A mom gave her son "the talk". Her son replies, "Wait, so there really isn't candy involved? Guess Grandpa lied."
So I asked a Chinese woman for her number, she said "sex, sex, sex, free sex tonight."
Her friend said "No, it's 666-3629."
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
How does a prostitute make more than a drug dealer?
Because she can clean her crack and sell it again.
A: She looks good when she opens her hair. 😮
B: You will look good when you open your wallet. 👛
Yo mama is so fat, that when I unfollowed her on Instagram, my phone got 1 GB of storage.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
Why couldn't Sally write with the pen? (Friend: Idk, why?) Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't Sally play Tennis? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Yes, she had no arms.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) No, Joe pushed her.
Why couldn't Sally pick up the box? (Friend: *Some weird guess*) Because she had no arms.
Why did Sally drop her ice cream? (Friend: Because she had no arms?) Because she got hit by a bus.
Knock Knock. (Friend: Who's there?) Not Sally.
Yo mama's so stupid that she studied for her eye test.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
