Hearing jokes

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

Poor guy really needs some space.

Hey, I haven't been on for like 2 months. I don't know who is still on here or like if everyone left, but yuh, I just decided to come back. Hey.

Emo kids are so good at kicking football. I hear they have good hang time.

So two dudes were at a bar and out of nowhere they hear, "Oi mate, talk to me like that again, I'm gonna shove this stick so far up your ass you'll look like a Popsicle."

Did you hear Stephen Hawking has a new book out?

It's about time!

Did you hear about the nurse who couldn’t swim?

She ended up under the doc[tor].

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar?

He got 12 months.

Worst joke ever.

Q: Wanna hear a bad cat joke?

A: Just kitten!

Once Jimmy was minding his own business, then he hears his mom come home. He asked, "Where have you been?" She replied with, "I was at work," yet he knew his mom did not have work. So the next day, while heading to school, he gets a phone call saying his mom is pregnant, and they want to try their device, and they need the baby's dad to say if it's alright.

The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear.

“I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?”

“From my father,” said Johnny.

“Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

Once upon a time, there was a crow with a piece of cheese in its mouth. Then a fox came, and when he saw the piece of cheese, he tried to trick the crow. He said that the crow's voice was beautiful, and then he said he wanted to hear him sing, so the crow started singing, and then the piece of cheese fell out of his mouth. He said never trust anyone, and then he walked away.

I was reading a book one day when I suddenly heard a sound. It was the Grim Reaper. I ignored it and continued reading my book. Suddenly, I realized that I was one of the main characters, which, at the end, dies.

I used to like fireworks, but I'm dead now. Fireworks look like a charm if you don't mind something a little ghostly.

What lies beneath your nose and is being picked on? Your boogers.

The FitnessGramTM Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal. A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start. On your mark, get ready, start.

Level 1 Feel it One Two Three Four Five Six Seven; end of level one.

Here's some of my weird jokes:

What are rhinos? They're unicorns that let themselves go.

Joke # 2: Why do triangles try every angle of its house? Because it's in its name.

Joke # 3: Wanna hear a cheesy joke? Sorry, the mouse got to the cheese first.

Wanna hear a joke?

Rape.

Two cows are standing in a field.

Cow 1: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease?

Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.

Did you hear about the bank robber?

Turns out he got shot by the police.

And he wound up in prison.

Did you hear he died of a virus? A computer virus.

Do you want to hear a dark joke? Let me turn the lights off.

You wanna hear an orphan joke?

Okay, here it goes:

You.