I asked my friend what happened to him?
His balance shifted.
What's the most embarrassing thing about locking your keys in the car outside a pregnancy care center?
Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?
Cancer.
I heard Pixar is releasing a new movie.
It’s called Finding Chemo.
What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?
Throw them some laundry.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What’s green and yellow and eats at your nuts?
Gonorrhea.
Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.
Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.
Me: Oh, I already tried that.
A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: Do you know how often people die from AIDS?
I said: Now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.
Did you hear that Joe contracted Sugondese Ligma on his trip to Suggon, and now he won’t be able to make it to Saw Con?
Them: What's on your arm?
Me: I'm training to breathe fire ;)
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
Home Covid Test.
1: Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2: If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3: If you can taste it and smell it, this confirms you don't have Covid.
Last night, I did the test 15 times and all were negative. Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feeling like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
COVID is like fashion...
We started hearing about it in Italy...
Became popular in LA and NYC...
Florida ignored it...
And it was all made in China in the end.
My girlfriend got COVID.
This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.
What kind of animal makes a good bottle opener?
A male Duck on Viagra.
Police officers hope you’re a criminal.
Doctors hope you get sick.
Mechanics hope you get car troubles.
But only thieves wish you prosperity.
Weird?
I went to the pharmacy the other day. I tried to buy a pack of condoms, but I pretended I didn't have enough money to mess with the cashier.
I went back into the aisles of the store, got a pack of rubber bands and plastic wrap, bought them, and walked out. I loved the look on the cashier's face when they saw my decision.
Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:
Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.
