Half Jokes

What has two legs and bleeds? Half a dog

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already!

An optimist says, "the glass is half full." A pessimist says, "the glass if half empty." A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air." Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water."

Mom: Anna let your younger brother have the sled one half of the time and you the other half that way it will all be fair and I don't have to put up with this crying, I've already got 7 others to take care of.

Anna: I do mom. I have Fred(younger brother) go up and I go down!

Mom: Good. NOW HOW 'BOUT THE REST OF YOU GO PLAY OUTSIDE IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT THERE IT'S THE WARMEST IT'S BEEN ALL YEAR, 45 DEGREES BELOW 0!

Kids: WOW! I never thought it would warm up! I love Alaska!

You wanna know why the Titanic was split in half? The iceberg hit it from the front and back.

Hey, you wanna hear something funny

AN atom makes up everything. Half of this site contains this joke. Dont trust the internet kids.

When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?

Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!

So a man walks past a gun store and sees all the guns are half of then the man says wow school supplies are low the week

Flex tape can fix a sawed in half boat. Then how the fuck can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? tell me.

what looks like half a cat?

the other half

Titanic is like our president it cracks in half and dies

I went into the supermarket everything was half off. of course I took the bottom half of spider man

How do you know you’re at a gay church? Half the congregation in kneeling

Dark Humor: Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap Son: Mom, I'm blind Mom: Exactly Inspired by my derp other half

corona be like: eliminating half the population of boomers faster than Thanos *snap*

little jonny bad ass was sitting on a porch one day and a preacher was in the house little jonny bad ass had to use the bathroom so he bangs on the door saying mom i half to use the bathroomn his mom ses wait so little jonny bad ass sow a hat on the step he lookes around and pulls his pants down and shits in the hat well a few later the preacher comes out and ses i see u have my hat well little jonny bad ass ses ya i cout the wolds fasts berd the preacher ses well let me see him little jonny bad ass ses no i dont know well the preacher ses ill put my handes by the hat you lift and ill cach him well little jonny bad ass lifted the hat and the preacher clapt his handes and little jonny bad ass ses now see the bird don shit and ran.

Yesterday on the school bus my freind infront of me said she was 41% irish and 15% Mexican then my freind siting next to me said “wow almost half leprechaun” then I said “yeah and 15 percent wall climber”