Half jokes

My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.

Someone forgot to do half the questions in the history test.

And that's what made him go down in history.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

How much drugs did Charlie Sheen take?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.

First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.

My cousin just broke up with his girlfriend, and I told him, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of her stuff."

My cousin just broke up with her boyfriend, and I told her, "Since your dad owns a moving company, you can already take half of his stuff."

Your forehead is so big, the earth split in half!

Me: What has two legs and bleeds?

Friend: Um, women? Obviously?

Me: Actually, half a dog. So you're still right.

An optimist says, "The glass is half full."

A pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."

A scientist walks by and says, "You guys are both wrong. The glass is technically completely full because it is half filled with air."

Then Africa comes by and says, "Stop arguing. At least you guys have water!"

Mom: Anna, let your younger brother have the sled one half of the time, and you the other half. That way it will all be fair, and I don't have to put up with this crying. I've already got seven others to take care of.

Anna: I do, Mom. I have Fred (younger brother) go up, and I go down!

Mom: Good. Now how 'bout the rest of you go play outside? It's beautiful out there! It's the warmest it's been all year, 45 degrees below 0!

Kids: Wow! I never thought it would warm up! I love Alaska!

You wanna know why the Titanic was split in half? The iceberg hit it from the front and back.

Hey, you wanna hear something funny?

An atom makes up everything. Half of this site contains this joke. Don't trust the internet, kids.

Yesterday on the school bus my friend in front of me said she was 41% Irish and 15% Mexican.

Then my friend sitting next to me said, “Wow, almost half leprechaun!”

Then I said, “Yeah, and 15 percent wall climber!”

When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?

Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

Titanic is like our president; it cracks in half and dies.

So, a man walks past a gun store and sees all the guns are half price. Then the man says, "Wow, school supplies are low this week."

I went into the supermarket; everything was half off. Of course, I took the bottom half of Spider-Man.

What looks like half a cat?

The other half.