A man found a chest full of gold, so he went to go tell his wife, only to remember why he was digging.
Why do people think Jesus is going to come back? He wasn’t nailed to a fucking boomerang!
Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.
So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."
Dear disabled people, just go to the settings and enable it!
I spent 10 hours applying makeup so I could look pretty when I was going to have sex with my partner.
I needn't have bothered.
The next day, it was smeared all over my face.
Your hairline and my car go Lighting McQueen speed because he never came back with the milk.
Look, I'm innocent. I was just going on vacation in NY, but my co-pilot said: "Hit it with your best shot."
Aaaah, I really wish Stephen Hawking was an organ donor...
I really need some new parts to my go-kart.
Why did the ball person go to the doctor?
He was kicked in the balls.
One day, someone's ex was going to the kitchen to get something to eat, and her ex-boyfriend was there and gave her an apple. Next minute, she had chlamydia. What did the boyfriend do?
I was going to share my joke about anal, but, fuck it, it was inappropriate.
What did one candle say to the other?
"Want to go out tonight?"
Why do the orphans love going to the bakery down the street so much? Because their cookies are homemade.
A child with cancer: "I want to be like you when I grow up." Doctor: "Oh, you're not going to grow up."
The Egyptian god of sun's name is Ka.
My friend: Where does the sun god go to get a shoe?
Me: In a Ka-boot sale :D
Friend: What would happen when someone stole the shoe?
Me: Call The Police Ka!!!
"This morning, I came out my front door to see my neighbor frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray-painted on his front window."
"What's been going on, John?" I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
The dirty bastard!
Yo mama so fat I bet if she farted, the whole Universe go Ba-Ba-Ba-Ba-BOOM.
My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.
What happens to emo kids when they go up?
They never come down.
Where did Kobe go after the helicopter crashed? Everywhere.
