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Poison

    • Me: *gets down on one knee*

    Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

    Me: *falls over*

    Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

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    Uncle

    • You know, having an uncle is a good thing sometimes! I get a pair of shoes every week. He says it’s my reward for playing the tickle game with him in his damp and dark basement. It hurts sometimes. But hey, new shoes!

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    • Karma

    • Like if you laugh.

    Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

    There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

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    Dog

    • Mom: I'm getting you a dog!

    Me: OMG REALLY?!

    Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?

    Me:...

    Me: Bitch, please.

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    • Mom

    • Yo mom's so fat, I went over to her house a few years ago and wanted to watch TV.

    So I asked for the TV remote, and she's still trying to get it!

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    Orphan

    • This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

    So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

    Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

    Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"

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    • Lemonade

    • You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

    Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

    But at least lemonade came out!

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