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What is the difference between the subway guy and a priest?

The subway guy didn’t get away with it...

Why can orphans never go on field trips?

Because they can’t get a parent signature.

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

I don't get progressive leftists these days. They claim to be supporting BLM, but they aren't pro-life.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."

Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.

Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.

Me: How do you know that?

Why doesn't a Muslim girl like her dad and namaz?

Because she has to get on her knees.

Why did your parents abandon you?

Because the first thing you dad said to be was; "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WIFE."

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

Only one of them gets picked...