Friends jokes

Should I kill the main character's best friends in my book? It's an autobiography.

What did the calculator say to his friends? “You can count on me!”

Me: Yo, dude! Yo mama so fat when she walked by the TV, I missed three episodes!

My friend's mom: Why you bully me?

A penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess. His family is nuts. His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him. That's it for now.

A friend asked what an acorn is.

I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”

I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.

Me: What’s the definition of “ignorance”?

Friend: Don’t know?

Me: U STUPID!

How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?

Act like a nut.

Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."

*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"

My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

My friend has glasses, and we were talking about owls, and I told my friend to give an owl glasses. I told my friend that it'd be a spectacled owl!

Why should you always be friends with an emo kid?

They always hang around.

So I went to my friend's house and he told me to make myself at home, so I kicked him out. I don't like visitors.

Why can't orphans go to a friend's house?

Because they can't make themselves at home.

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet.

"If you yeet one thing that has been yoted, the yeet gods will help you" - Chris Tyson, MrBeast's friend, and your mom >:)

Me and my friend roasting each other.

Him: Your dad dropped you on purpose, but my dad dropped me by accident.

Me: But after dropping you, he never picked you up.

Why can't an orphan be friends with Dom Toretto?

Dom doesn't have friends; he has "family."

I told my friend you should definitely quit smoking, but he could not find me because he was already up in flames.