Friends jokes

"Don't sneeze!"

Every time I was in the bathroom with my friends, I would always tell them, "Don't sneeze!" and when I did, they just laughed so hard. And when we sneezed, we laughed even harder.

Also,

"It dangles and swung!"

Language art quizzes are the best.

Friend #1: "Yo guys, what's the most unfair game you've ever played? For me it's Fortnite." Friend #2: "I'd have to say Monopoly." Me: "The most unfair game you say? Life, definitely. Like, no one wins, it's a one-way game." Friend #2: "Uhh...that's not exactly what he meant..." Friend #1: *calls the suicide hotline*

Me: What are we doing in HPE?

Friend: Fitness.

Me: Fitting deez nuts in your mouth.

Why do emos have friends?

So they can hang with each other.

Me telling a depression and suicide joke in front of my friends.

My friends: ........ Oh wait, I don't have any, so nothing to worry about here.

One day I went to my friend's apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

I threw him out of the window. I hate having visitors!

I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.

I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.

I copied my friend's work. It's not like the teacher can tell my parents.

These jokes are fun for the whole family to enjoy.

My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.

Note to all moms of teens, keep a dog. That way, someone is excited to see you!

Where's my sister's friend? Oh, I forgot, we are in Alabama.

There was a person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

One day I visited my friend in a hospital.

I remember when I spoke, "You know, sometimes it's reaching its peak and its lowest state, but I know you'll always end like the others at calming and straight!"

Yes, I talked about the heart monitor beside him.

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

Friend: Wow thanks, I'm rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: You're what?

Me: I need a good roast.

My friend: Take me!

A man decides one day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet or paws. "What is the matter with you?" the man thinks aloud.

"Well, that's how I was born, I'm actually a faulty parrot," says the bird.

"Haha," the man laughs, "it seems like that parrot understands what I'm saying and even answers!"

"I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated," says the bird.

"Well, if you're so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs."

"Well," says the parrot, "it's a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers."

"Wow, you really understand everything I say, don't you?"

"Yes, yes," replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport, and philosophy, and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you."

The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. "Sorry, I cannot afford that."

"Psst," whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you."

The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says "Pssssssssssst" while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. "I do not know if I should tell you this," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What!?" says the man.

"Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth."

"And then," the man hisses, "What happened then?"

"Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere."

"My God," says the now furious man, "And what else did they do?"

"Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down."

"And then, what happened, what else did they do?" the man screams.

"No idea," says the papgaai, "I got a boner and thundered off my stick..."

My friend: How are you running so fast? You just had 10 hamburgers!

Me: It’s the 10 hamburgers that are making me run fast!

My ex-friends are depressed. Their names are Kaitlyn and Ava.