Friends jokes
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jill could whack off Jack. Jill yelled out, "Jack, where is your sack?"
Said, "I'm not Jack, I'm your friend Nancy."
Why did the skeleton want a friend?
Because she was feeling bonely.
Okay, so I know this is not a joke, but I wanted to take some time to say if you have autism, you are still amazing. You are lovely in every way, and if people bully you, don't listen because they are wrong. You are cute, and I know how it feels. I have ADHD, and I get bullied a lot, but I don't let that get to me because I know what they are saying is wrong and not true. People with autism, stay strong; you got this. I will be your friend by heart, even if it's not in person.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Who would've known?
A friend asked what an acorn is.
I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
My friend’s neighbor’s house is a real pigsty. There are hogs everywhere wearing neck garments.
Not a joke: one of George Floyd's criminal friends shot his grand-niece as they wanted a piece of the 27 million dollars.
I pushed my best friend's chair in class. Now I kinda feel bad that he was in a wheelchair.
Me: What’s the definition of “ignorance”?
Friend: Don’t know?
Me: U STUPID!
Why is no one friends with Dracula? Because he's a pain in the neck.
You have to tell this to a friend:
There are 30 cows in a field. 20 ate 28 chickens. How many didn't? A: 10
Some guy came to me and said, "I'm your dad's friend. He asked me to pick you up."
*Laughing freaking hard* and told him, "Did you dig the grave?"
My friend nearly drowned in her bowl of muesli the other day. She was pulled in by a strong "currant."
Me: I need a good roast.
My friend: Take me!
Why did the deer cross the road? Its friends deered it to.
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his mom, “Of course not.”
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay! We can play that game!”
TJ's hairline is so far back, his friends don't even want to talk to him.
What does a gun and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
Say this to your significant other (or your weird friends!)
Are you an unsafe staircase? 'Cause you look like you could use a railing.