Friends jokes

Friend: How's it going?

Me: Good, things are good!

Parent: How are you?

Me: Oh, I'm fine!

Twitter: Compose new tweet?

Me: Hellooooo, I would like to tell you about my anxiety & my current greatest fears & let's talk about the impending apocalypse while we're at it.

My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.

Me: Do you like smash?

Friend: Smash Rolls?

Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS!

Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends, so she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face when they all disagreed.

Why'd the emo have no friends?

"Because they like to hang by themself."

Dear Gwen and Prince,

Gwen and Prince, sorry for being mean and cussing and other messed up nonsense. To be honest, I really just wanted to be your friends, all both of you! BTW Prince, Gwen is not dating Aiden...I don't even know who Aiden is! Sorry a million times, Zreina.

So last week I gave my blind friend a cheese grater. The next two weeks he told me that was the most violent book he has ever read.

So funny hahaha this is why I don't have friends :(

If your sis makes you mad, so go to your friend's home to play.

If your sis is sad, go tell Mom.

Have you ever noticed when a woman is pregnant all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats,” but none of them touch the man’s penis and say “well done?”

Repost

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose 👃, but you can't pick your friends' noses 👃 👃 👃.

What do you call a group of teenage emos?

Suicide squad.

What is the best whey to make friends with an American boy, you bunch?

A Spanish magician is trying the disappearing trick. He counts "Uno, dos..." and leaves no trace.

I don't know, my friend did it.

My friend asked me if bees can fly in the rain. I replied, "Not without their yellow jackets."

Friend: You're adopted.

Orphan: At least I was chosen!

Friend: At least I was kept.

I don't have any friends.

If you like this, I can be your friend :)

What did the piggy bank say to his piggy friend?

"Ain't you got no cents?"

Piggy: "Actually, no. Just pork."

People's music when friends are around: *rock*

When they are gone: "Come on, vamanos, everybody let's go!"