Friends jokes

I have a friend who has no arms, her name is Suzy. I always tell her this one knock knock joke, "Knock Knock!" "Who's there?" Not Suzy.

I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."

Why did the tomato cross the road?

To ketchup with his friends on the other side.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

Me: Can I get your mom's number?

Friend: Here you go:

Me: Ohh, strange, I already had it.

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

My friend was told by her doctor that she was morbidly obese.

As if she doesn't have enough on her plate.

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

Kid: Dad, where are you going?

Dad: To get milk.

TEN YEARS LATER

Kid's friend: Where's your dad?

Kid: He went to get milk but never came back.

My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

My friend said onions only cry, so that's why I threw a coconut at him.

Rape isn't a joke.

It's a type of way of making friends and to mate with other women.

It's a way of art, and works on anybody!

Like this if you agree.

People call my blind friend dumb sometimes.

She can't see the obvious.

Friend: Hey, wanna race home?

Orphan: What home?

Me and my friend (rope) like hanging out.

People ask me if my friend jumps off a bridge, will I go as well? Of course not. I am a leader; I will go first, my friend will jump after me!

Why don't orphans have any friends?

Because they don't have homies.