Friends jokes

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

Why did the tomato cross the road?

To ketchup with his friends on the other side.

I have a friend whose birthday is on September 11th.

They're going to have an explosive party that will definitely blow you away!

It's gonna be the bomb, and a blast, too!

I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Literally every movie:

"I love you." "I love you, too."

My life:

My 'friends': "Hey, Hailey likes you!" Him: "Wtf, I have a girlfriend, sorry not sorry." His friends: Spreads the word throughout the whole goddamn country. 😶

My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

My friends were the pilots on 9/11, they told me, "Bro, chill, it's just a prank!"

Kid: Dad, where are you going?

Dad: To get milk.

TEN YEARS LATER

Kid's friend: Where's your dad?

Kid: He went to get milk but never came back.

My friend said onions only cry, so that's why I threw a coconut at him.

Why is it so hard to make friends in Antarctica?

Because you cannot break the ice.

Fat person: "Hey, what's up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure!"

I asked my friend what the best gay joke is, and she said "You."

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

All these people on here making me wish I knew them IRL.

Me to friend: I'm homeschooled.

Friend: If I was homeschooled, I'd kms.

Me: Oh, I already tried that.

I got LEGOs for Christmas, and my friend got her father's headstone.

What do you call a 6 year old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.