Friends jokes

A depressed man buys a gun for suicide, but then thinks, "maybe I shouldn't be doing this," and asks a friend for help. He returns with a rope.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"

Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."

Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

I unfriended Paul Walker on Xbox because he was always on the dashboard.

I'm not racist, my best friends are black for Halloween. :)

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.