Friends jokes

Why did the skeleton want a friend? He was feeling bonely.

Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.

Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.

Friends: "You wanna hang with us?"

Me: "No, I wanna hang myself."

You learn from the best.

Friend: "UR LIT BRO!!"

Me: "That's what my sleeve said to my arm."

My friend entered a pun contest. He entered ten, figuring at least one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.

My friend was feeling low today, so I went up to her and said, "You know, I would hang in there if I was you, swaying through life." I don't think she likes me now.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

I don't understand why people get offended by incest jokes; they're so family friendly.

Friend: I broke up with Sara.

Me: I know, she came over and I screwed her hard.

Friend: How did her pussy feel?

Me: After about 2 inches, it felt brand new.

Friend: What do you— HOLD UP. WHAT TF IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!?!

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.

What do you call a skeleton with no friends? Bonely.

What do you call a kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."