Friends jokes

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Me: I look up to you.

Friend: Wow, thanks!

Me: But in general cuz your so tall.

A poster for the winter relief fund reads: "No one should be allowed to go hungry or suffer from the cold." A worker says to his friend, "Now were not even allowed to do that."

I asked my North Korean friend how it is to live there.

He said he couldn't complain.

I was talking to my Welsh friend the other day, and he suddenly started talking Welsh to me then collapsed after the first few sentences. Turns out he had a stroke.

What do you call a skeleton with no friends? Bonely.

What do you call a kid with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

My handicapped friend was getting bullied. I said, "Just stand up for yourself!"

So, a few hours ago my friend said I need to CUT it out with the s/h jokes... like... it's really not that deep?

I was on the Oregon trail with my friend's brother, Carl. He got cholera, so we threw him off the wagon. When we came back, he was having a seizure and pooping uncontrollably. It was pretty cholerious.

My friend told me my wrist wasn't a cutting board. So I asked her if hers was at all, and if I could borrow it.

I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

A couple is sitting down, holding hands, and having a picnic after their wedding when the husband's friend walks over and says,

"Jenny and Jonathan sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes abrupt, tragic miscarriage! Then comes blame. Then comes despair, two hearts damaged, beyond repair. Johnathan leaves Jenny, and writes on the tree: D-I-V-O-R-C-E."

Me: I got kicked out of the library the other day.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because I put the women rights book in the fiction section.

I unfriended Paul Walker on Xbox because he was always on the dashboard.

Like if your best friend has a dog.

Like if your best friend is emo. *repost* or like if you have a best friend.

Hey, I know this is a classic joke but I found it pretty funny!

"My name is 4, four like the number," my friend said. "What, was 1 2 3 taken?"

I can even with it but I was bored and decided to share this.

Remember what one of my gay friends told me: it's only cannibalism if you swallow.

Your hairline is so bad even your gay friend is straighter than it.