Fix jokes
What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.
Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.
How many emos does it take to fix a light?
I don't know because they never came down.
Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!
Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
You're so ugly, even a Snapchat filter can't fix it.
Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!
Why did he go to the chiropractors?
To get his spine fixed.
How do you fix a broken gorilla?
With a monkey wrench.
How do you fix an igloo?
With Iglue.
What did the dinosaur eat when the dentist fixed his tooth?
The dentist!
On the 12th day of Christmas Peo Pessi gave to me:
12 tap ins
11 pointless dribbles
10 fixed league titles
9 missed penalties
8-2
6 dives
500 million robbed from Barca
4 UCL semi losses
3 times he blamed Higuain
2 retirements
And a transfer to a farmers league.
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Fix the door, it's broken!
How many emos does it take to fix a lightbulb?
None, because they just cry in the darkness.
If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?
Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.
Grandma: "Y’know, I used to be in this wheelchair cause of back pain. But ever since I met Spence, the pain went to my legs. At least my back is fixed!"
I asked Daveon if he ever considered trying something new, and he replied "why fix what ain't broke?"
Anybody can use this :)
Slow and steady wins the race, but it won't fix your ugly face. 😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Your hairline is so bent that Bob the Builder couldn't fix it.
Yo mama so fat, even Bob the Builder said, "We can't fix that!"