Fix jokes

What kind of fruit can fix your sink?

A plum-ber.

The Twin Towers are like crippled legs; once they break, they can’t be fixed.

Q: What do you use on your tuba when it breaks?

A: Tuba-glue.

Your hairline is so jacked up even the barber couldn't fix it.

Your hairline's so far back even Bill Nye the Science Guy couldn't use photosynthesis to fix it.

A few men have curved penises, but they can fix that problem by straightening it out.

Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"

So many bots commenting so fúcking fix it!

If your parachute fails midair, remember, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

How do you fix a broken pizza? With tomato paste.

A young cowboy entered a seedy cafe in a small West Texas town.

He sat at the counter and spotted an elderly cowboy with his arms folded and his gaze fixed on a bowl of chili. After roughly 15 minutes of staring at it, the young cowboy boldly inquired, “If you’re not going to eat it, do you mind if I do?” Slowly turning his head toward the young wrangler, the older cowboy muttered, in his best cowboy voice, “Nah. Go ahead.”

The young cowboy eagerly reached over and slid the bowl over to his spot, spooning it in with glee. He was almost to the bottom when he noticed a rotten dead rat in the chili.

The sight was shocking, and he immediately upchucked the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly said, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too...”

What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?

You fix both with a coat hanger.

I know people don’t really like cat puns, but mine are PURRety good.

Did you CATch that one? No? Because you are in a bad mood? You should WISKER those feelings away. We should PAWnder ways to fix your mood. Just remember to keep CLAWing at the problem. I am glad I can help MEW.

Throw a plate.

It’s broken, right?

Say “sorry” to it.

Did it fix back?

No... that’s the same thing you did to me :)

What do you call someone who fixes walls?

Juan, probably.

When you ask for plastic surgery, they said, "We could not fix you, but the only way is to wear a mask to fix your ugly face."

The police gave you a fine for not fixing your ugly hairline.

Engineer: I know engineering, and my gut instinct tells me to fix it!

Biologist: I know biology, and your gut instinct is full of shit.

What do you call a duck that can fix anything? Duck tape.

Yo what quacking lacking? Looking for a ducking good time? I've got some one lines and knee slappers that ought to fix the bill. What happens flied upside down? It quacks up.