Fired jokes

How do you get 500 drunk TTC people out? "Ah, on fire, a warning shot." "Uhhh sir, it's a M92 mortar." "Ah, just fire the shot!" Please get out before you get triggered from the pool and you have no clothes showing your nono parts. Oh wait, please get out of the pool drunk people. Potato, potatoes, fire ze shot.

Random person: Minecraft is actually more peaceful than real life.

Me: Well, screw life. Maybe if I light a fire on myself, I will go to Minecraft (my excuse for suicide).

This is a classic.

Why did the Dog go into the fire?

Because it wanted to be a hot Dog!

I pushed the disabled kid into a fire, then called him "Hot Wheels."

Do you know what organ remains warm even after a woman dies?

My penis (or rather my neutron laser priming its firing sequence).

There was a kid in a wheelchair. I put him on fire and called him Hot Wheels.

Roses are red, my pencil is blunt.

A parrot trapped on a roof keeps telling the fire crew to f*ck off!

What do you call it when you light a person in a wheelchair on fire?

Cooking the vegetables.

If you ever get chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that.

This whole string is really messed up. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. I just heard the audio recording of the crash and it said, "HE'S ON FIRE! BOOM SHAKALAKA!"

Stephen Hawking was in a house fire. When he got out, people called him "Hot Wheels."

Logic fire bars in Fortnite sped up to sound like he [is a] chipmunk like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore :)

Did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?

Unfortunately, many soles were lost.

Stephen Hawking never used a condom. He used a firewall.

What did the rapper say to the traffic jam?

"Move over, I'm about to drop some FIRE!"

A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"

The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."

I told my cousin since we're not blood-related our parents would let us date.

Her pants were on fire.

"Fuck" and "sex" are hot, which is fire.

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Parents: Let's have a bonfire.

Me: Let's go to the orphanage.

Parents: To bring other children?

Me: No, to have the fire.

Parents: Won't they be missed?

Me: No, because there is nobody to miss them.