Fired jokes

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot Wheels! We'll see him soon.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

Ever wondered how Jesus got rid of the cross that killed him?

Burned it in a hellish fire to make some firewood.

Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.

He was fired from his job.

What is red and puts out fire?

What's black and at the top of the staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

What do you call a wheelchair on fire?

Hot wheels.

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time it was sung... the line “fire away” caused massive confusion and shooting!

I'm a teacher at a high school, but I got fired. They told me I didn't do any work even though I always did a skele-ton.

I was staying over at my friend's; for the purpose of the joke, he shall be called Kian. It was 03:00 am and everyone else was asleep when I heard a soft banging on the wall. I left the room to inspect it. Kian lived with his grandad John Hauge; it was thought he had a huge slong.

The banging was getting louder, and so too was my heartbeat. I opened John's door and ventured into the room. John was fully naked. There was a glory hole through the wall where I could make it Kian's ass. This is what I have been waiting for. I rip off my shorts, which Ali G bought for me, and silently moved towards John. I shoved [my] 1-inch wonder in his ear. John furiously turned around and slapped me with his cock, "You little gimp, get on the bed."

Kian came in the room with a 2-litre bottle of Irn Bru. He demanded, "What the fudge are you doing?"

I replied smoothly, "Kian, you tracksuit warrior, you have a camel toe!"

Kian fires back, "Shut it, Paul, you have genital warts!"

John screams, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

He then gives us it so rough I can't walk the next day, but [I] feel pleasured for eternity.

By Lewis

Why are fire trucks big?

To hang out with the firefighters!

My penis is on fire.

What did one Koala say to the other?

"Help me I'm burning. Aaaugh!!! Oh fuck oh fuck I'm on fire!! AAAAaugh!"

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

What do you get when you mix a white guy and a fire?

A firecracker.

During the Great War, a man holding a machine gun shoots down a swarm of soldiers running on a swamp.

He says: "You came to the wrong swamp, Americans! You came to the wrong swamp!" *He didn't stop firing.*

What do you call a guy in a wheelchair that walks into a fire?

Hot Wheels.

So the fire alarm went off, but as soon as they walked out of the classroom, the only fire they saw was out of a gun.

Me sees crazy man hit a old poor person. Me dials 911.

Police: What is that location?

Me: I don't know where is dis location.

Police: Mission failed, we will try again later.

Me: WTH?

Police: Ends call.

Me: Calls hospital.

Hospital: What is that location?

Me: I don't know where is dis location.

Hospital: Mission failed, we will try again later.

Me: WTH IS HAPPENDS EVERY TIME NOW EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE.

Hospital: Hangs up.

Me: Calls fire dEpArTmEnT.

Fire: No fire.

Fire dEpArTmEnT: What is that location?

Me: Hangs up and give up and goes home.