Finance jokes
My syndrome may be down, but my money be up 😈.
Kid: Licks money.
Mom: Hey, don’t lick the money. It is dirty.
Kid: Is that why they call people filthy rich?
A man who desperately wanted to be good after serving time in prison was visited by an Angel. "You want to change? You can still enter heaven on two conditions. You must bet on the horses with any money you have and pass your winnings to someone less fortunate, and you must never hold on to any beef." The Angel then disappeared.
The man did as was told and became generous and kind. As he emerged from the betting office with all his money, he would pass every penny of it all to a deserving person each and every time.
He, however, couldn't seem to avoid meat and would still eat it no matter what.
When he died, the Angel came back for him.
"But I'm undeserving; I can't come with you," he said.
"Yes, you can," replied the Angel, "you gave all your stake (steak) away."
What time is it when you stand on a pile of money in the bank?
High interest!
Why did the football coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback!
What's the difference between a million dollars and a million dead babies?
I don't have a million dollars laying around my house.
Why did the credit card go to jail?
'Cuz it was guilty as charged!
That is a "Penny-Farthing" bicycle. Dimes if you feed it beans.
I once went to the bank with some raisins because I wanted to set up a current account.
I am like currency; people always trade me out for someone better.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her... she had really bad balance.
Why do elephants never get rich?
Because they work for peanuts!
A kid named Billy gets his lunch money stolen at school. The bully later gets his allowance, the lunch money, and his wallet taken by his father.
The father then gets all the money taken from him by the bully’s grandfather along with his own wallet. The grandfather then takes the money and gets it stolen by Billy along with his own wallet.
A bully walks up to a kid named Billy to insult him and steal his lunch money.
Later that night when he is at home, the bully’s father comes into his room to insult him and take the lunch money he stole.
The father walks down stair to check on his father in the living room. When he walks in, his father insults him and takes the lunch money.
The grandfather of the bully walks into the back yard and in the dark is Billy. The grandfather walks up to him and says “Where’s my money, you worthless old fart?”
Do chiropractors have to pay back taxes?
Only when they file jointly.
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
Say "Mike Wizowski" fast to a teenager and I will get you $100000000000.
The nearest approximation to a perpetuum mobile would be a Swabian chasing a Scot because of money.
(Swabians are the Scots of Germany regarding finances.)
My boy is so distracted and the kids are doing great. I will be make $500000.
If I had a loonie for every degree I have, I wouldn't have a loonie.