You are so poor, when I pass you, you ask for spare change, and I was poor, too.
STORY OF 2 PEOPLE NOT ME:
Girlfriend: What would you do if I won the lottery?
Boyfriend: I would take half and leave you.
Girlfriend: Ok cool. I won 12 dollars here's 6 and don't come back.
A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"
If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"
How do women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
When you find out the stripper you're banging is a hooker, but you're saving money, so it's okay.
What's the difference between 911 and the stock market in the 1930's?
Nothing, they both crashed.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
The orphan wanted to call home sick, but there was no one.
The orphan went to school to have food, but there was no money in his account.
Your mama is so ugly that when she walked in the bank, they had to turn off the cameras.
I don't got free candy. It costs child support.
What are the similarities between BTC and 9/11? They both crashed down.
Child abortion is like tax evasion: the more you lose, the less problems you have.
So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.
Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.
Why do laws forbid hoes from owning stocks in condom makers?
Answer: Insider trading.
I'm so poor I have to put my Big Mac burger on layaway.
What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?
Geico saves you more.
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
