Fear jokes
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What’s the same between a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus?
They’re both saying “Oh my god my mom’s gonna kill me!”
I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."
Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
What do you call Kevin with no beef?
Chicky.
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
I hate nightmares.
This is our motto- "Never fear orphans! You are even more special than diamonds."
Orphan club for ppl who stand up for orphans!
Are guys scared of the word "Choppiness"?
Because it is literally saying "chop-penis."
What do parents tell little boys to make them behave?
"Be good, or when you're asleep, Michael Jackson will get you!"
What do a 14 year old and the fetus inside her both think?
"Man, my mom's going to kill me!"
This isn't a joke; I just want to spread awareness of anatidaephobia.
People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.
Why are orphans so scared of the dark?
The dad can't check the closet for them.
The school shooter when the cops show up be like:
"Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, ain't nothing gonna hold me down. Oh oh. I've got to keep on moving."
Why did the dog walk out at night?
To scare his people!
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
I hope death is a girl. That way, it'll never come for me.
"Pray to God her inside her head. I'm scared of God."