Fear jokes

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

What does a pregnant 14 year old and her fetus have in common? They're both thinking; "Oh sh*t, my mom's gonna kill me!"

Why was 10 scared of 9?

Because 9 8 7.

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

What do parents tell little boys to make them behave?

"Be good, or when you're asleep, Michael Jackson will get you!"

What does a freshly pregnant teen and her baby share?

They both think, "Mom's probably going to kill me."

I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.

Did you know that a majority of the U.S. is afraid of the dark?

Especially if they are right behind you at the ATM.

What did the skeleton say to the other? "Wow, that song, 'Spooky Scary Skeletons,' really does send chills down my spine!"

What do you call a running chicken?

Scared.

Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burns. The sun knows better.

Chuck Norris used to be an orphan.

Because some families were too scared of his bravery to adopt him.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Seven’s been worried about six even since he left Afghanistan. Every time 6 closes his eyes, he sees the war and hears the gunshots. He sees the blood, the killing, the death, and soldiers falling. When he looks at seven, he remembers when they were forced to eat their own flesh to not starve in those caves. He sees the war and the flashbacks will come back forever, burned into his soul and mind.

Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven is a registered sex offender.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts to do it.

So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.

what do you call a shadow stalker REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

How did Santa feel when he got stuck in the chimney?

Claus-trophobic.

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

What is a ghost's favorite cake?

I scream cake!