Family jokes

So I got my son a trampoline for Christmas this year, and he was so ungrateful, like he just sat there crying in his wheelchair. What has this world come to?

My brother said, "Bruh, why you so ugly plus why do you stink?" Me: "Is that supposed to be a roast? I got one for you. Why do you look like you came out the wrong side of your mother? Instead of her stomach, you came out of her butt. That's why you were born with brown spots on your head. That's her poop, you stupid fuckface." My friends: "Ouch that's gotta hurt."

I once heard my dad shout, "I'm going to be like Frozen and let it go!" Then I heard a gunshot.

Dad: Son, do you want to play Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots?

Son: Sure, let me get it from the closet.

Dad: No, bring your sisters. Just like the game, they can’t move their legs.

Where can white people cook better than Black people?

On Father’s Day.

My kids [are] so damn bad[.] We took them to Disney in Florida. They paid me not to bring them back ever.

Daddy, I really miss you. Mummy changed my name to Tickle Timpson. Anyway, daddy I forgive you for abusing me.

Your mum is so fat, when I see her, I get depressed.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday. The ungrateful cunt sat in his wheelchair all day.

A few male neighbors came over to the house to take a shower because, for some reason, their house didn't have water.

A few minutes later, I walk into the shower. I see the male neighbors and Mom taking a shower together. Then I said, "What are you doing?" They all say, "We're taking a shower together so we could save water."

This kid was going to sleep and he said, "Night, Mum. Night, Dad. And night, Grandma, and bye, Grandpa." The next morning, Grandpa died, and the next night he said, "Night, Dad. Night, Mum. Night, Grandma." Grandma died the next morning. The next night he said, "Night, Mum, bye, Dad," and they heard the postman died because he was the dad, lol.

Can [I] ask your sister how you are going for Christmas? And [to clarify,] I have internet.

Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!

What was Stephen Hawking's mother's name?

Ilean.

Parent: My parents never attended my birthdays.

Birthday girl: Oh wow!

Parent: Anyone missing?

Birthday girl: Your parents.

Stop making these, I am orphan, pls stop.

Why don’t you peel a banana?

It’s too hard to kill your nana.

Yo mama so fat, she is one of the boulders in Indiana Jones.

Bob: Siri, call 666!

*dialing noises*

Bob: Hello?

Bob's dad: Hi!

Punch an orphan, what are they going to do? Tell their parents?