Family jokes

So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

Yo mama's hairline is so god damn far back even Joe Biden wouldn't sniff it.

Me, Joe Biden: What do you mean *snifff*

What am I doing?

Your mom.

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a baby?

The refrigerator doesn't cry when I put my meat in it.

My dad: You better wear flip-flops everywhere.

Suicidal son: Goes to crack alley.

Dad: Hey, have you seen that new movie, "Constipation"?

Son: No.

Dad: It hasn't come out yet.

My mum.

A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...

Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”

A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"

Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."

Orphan jokes aren't to be made fun of.

They're just aimed at older audiences. Oh wait.

THEY AREN'T EVEN OLDER AGES.

What did Little Johnny say to his dad?

Johnny: "Dad, please not again! I'm too young!"

Why does an orphan love baseball? Because their ball comes back, get pranked, bitch!

What does an orphan not have in common with a criminal?

Criminals are wanted.

Orphans can't find the home page.

A kid was asking a mother for money.

Mother: Sorry, I don't have money.

The kid kept asking the mother for money.

Mother: I already told you I don't have money.

The kid (the middle child): I'm your fucking child!

"9/11 was not funny; it was plane wrong because my dad was the best fucking pilot in Jeddah."

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree? The apples get picked.

What's the best part of being an orphan?

All the chips and candy bars are family sized.

What do orphans go to church for?

So they can call someone "father."

What did Sophie Brussaux's baby get every week?

A face full of sperm.