Family jokes

I was hitting my hand, and my mom asked me what I was doing. I said I'm beating my meat.

I was born on the moon.

Yeah, my mom was high, and my dad was down to earth.

What did Love name his daughter?

Sweetheart. ♥

My family is like Donkey Kong: a real pain in the ass.

What do you call an orphan with no relatives?

An orphan with no relatives.

Dad: What did your older brother say before he lost his virginity?

Son: Dad, please don't.

Dad: Exactly.

What do you think of your mom? I can do it.

Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”

The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”

Not to be rude or anything, but I'm not adopted. My boyfriend is, and some of these are really mean because sometimes their parents give them up just because they're ugly or just because of their skin color. We should stop making fun of them, and yes, I do giggle sometimes, but they can be really hurtful sometimes.

So, one day I walk up to my sister and tell her that she is adopted because she doesn't look like anyone in the family. She starts to cry. My mom asks why she's crying, and I say I told her she was adopted and I was there for the adoption, and we have papers. It was all a lie. She is not adopted, and everything is fine.

What do you call an octopus dad?

An octodad.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

I saw a petition on replacing gravestones with trees so it will be a beautiful forest.

Son: Where's grandma?

This isn't a joke.

There was a homeless family in need of a room, but the guy said no more rooms because they were homeless. So, they got into a barn, and the mother gave birth to a young healthy boy. Before you say anything bad to a homeless man, that little boy was born on December 25th. Guess who it is.

JESUS CHRIST!!!!!! STOP HURTING THE HOMELESS PEOPLE AND START HELPING THEM!!!!!!!!

The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"

The Son: "Because milk is important."

The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"

The Boy: "Who?"

The Man: "Your mom?"

The Boy: "I don't have a mom."

The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."

The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.

Why do orphans only buy iPhone XS?

Because it has a home button.

I fucked your mum!

I dicked your mom down so good, bitch!

Why are mountains so cold?? Your mom lol.

Mom, Mom, I'm holding my little brother's hand.

Little Johnny, good! But he's not "bien" yet.