Family jokes

A boy and his mother survived a car crash.

The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

So my son came up to me and said, "Hey, Dad, I’m hungry." So I replied "Hi, Hungry, I’m Dad."

And then I feed him my dick.

Last time I ate a vegetable, I got banned from my sister's group home.

Why do orphans play with other kids on a playground?

So they will sneak into their parents' car to be a brother or sister.

What’s the difference between a child who is home alone and an orphan?

They’re both alone, but only one is home.

Why can't orphans have sex?

Because they have no one to call "daddy."

Why was the orphan so bad at baseball?

He couldn't find home.

Any body have nothing to do? Well here is a prank that you'll never forget!

(Btw I never actually did this irl yet)

So tell your parents at night to come in in about 30 minutes cuz your legs hurt and you need them rubbed. So when they come in, pretend like your sleeping and right before they go out shout: NO! Then they will look at you but you'll be sleeping. (The idea is that you'll be sleep talking.) Then you start to cuss and say the most random things like: Hey you can't chew my cud it's mine, plus, you even went swimming today at that damm lake! Also say something like: YOU SON OF A BITCH! *swat in the air once* Then say: Why I made your f*ckin' bed today you stupid parents! *swat three times* And btw try and not smile as hard as it may be cuz they will be looking at you weird. And try to open your eyes just enough so you can see them. And depending on the tipe of parent you have they may wake you up by then or they will get interested and start laughing! Any way, then say: That mother f*cker that lives across the street just said I was ugly, you should do something about it(sibling name) ______. And also say: And if you happen to know where the nearest store is then that would be helpful. Then say: No Hulk! Leave me alone I love you! *swat twice*. Then say: Uncle Timmy Tom you are such a nude nick.(my dad made up the word nude nick, it just means crazy and annoying) Then settle down and lay on your stomach in your "sleep" and make it look like you putting the blanket on you more, but irl it would probably be to hide a smile! I think I will stop there cuz I don't think any one could hold in there laughter that long and if you feel like you can hold out longer then just make something up.

I hope you guys can do this and it goes well for you! Please comment! Byeee!

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

Where are your parents? Oh, behind you? Not any more.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?

Your mum.

Dad: "I'll be back in a minute."

20 years later

Orphan: "Dad?"

It’s like I always tell my kids:

"Two in the pink, one in the stink."

What do u call a girl that runs faster than her brothers?

A redneck virgin!

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

I was tickling my step brother's balls, and then it hit me: why is he laughing?