Family jokes

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they can't see home.

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good. He died during 9/11.

One day my mom told me not to be an actor. I said, "But mommy, I will make a lot of money!"

Why can't orphans play baseball?

Because they don't know home base.

Why are orphans bad at baseball? They can't get home.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they do not know where home is.

Yo mom's so fat, I went over to her house a few years ago and wanted to watch TV.

So I asked for the TV remote, and she's still trying to get it!

I started crying when Dad was chopping onions.

Onions was a good dog.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apples get picked.

Why can’t an orphan play GTA?

Because they're not wanted.

Just ask your dad.

Why don't orphan criminals go to jail?

Because they weren't even wanted.

Why can’t orphans eat breakfast? Because there is no parent to feed them.

My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.

I worry about him sometimes.

What's the difference between me and an orphan?

At least my dad came back.

Your momma is so ugly, the director thought she was a real zombie.

I don't got free candy. It costs child support.

I asked a child where their parents were. They started to cry. I laughed and walked out of an orphanage.

Repeat after me...

Me: "You have a weird style."

Mom: "You have a weird style."

Me: "Um, not your mirror!" *runs away*