Family jokes

"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."

Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.

Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

I told my dad that I wanted to go to a college with a 100% acceptance rate and a 50% graduation rate, and he said, "Your mom doesn't count as a college!"

"People are more honest when they are tired, so I made my nephew do push-ups 50 times when I realized he stole my cookies."

What's the difference between my dad and milk? There is no difference; they both left.

What's the difference between me and my mate...

I left my dad, while hers left with their friend Cancer.

Your mamma is so dumb, she went to the dentist to get Bluetooth.

Teacher: What do you kids want to be when you grow up?

Kid 1: I want to be a firefighter.

Kid 2: I want to be a police officer.

Kid 3: I want to be dead like both my parents.

Teacher: Ok, everyone pull out your books.

Kid 4: Are we going to ignore what he said?

Teacher: What do you want me to do? Call his parents?

A man walks into a bar. He sees a family court judge, his wife, her lawyer, and a police officer. He gets on his hands and knees and prays to God out loud. The bartender says, "Why are you praying?" He says, "Because I just saw the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, and the bible tells me when I see them the end is at hand."