Family jokes

My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away.

He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis. Her mom said, "You should have asked me last night. It was at the tip of my tongue."

How does a blonde punish her blind son? She takes away his TV privileges.

How does a blonde punish her deaf son? She takes away his telephone privileges.

How does a blonde punish her paraplegic son? She gives him a spanking.

Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades, and they will stop."

Your hairline is so far back your dad had to go find it for you.

Yo mama's so dumb, she trips over the wireless internet.

"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."

Kids make a lot of plans for people who can't drive anywhere.

I don't want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband.

"What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!"

My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

As a brother, I have to report my sister has a few new symptoms that are going around, and those symptoms are that she has big titties, a sweet pussy, and a great personality.

My mom has a toy that I see all the girls and guys seem to play with, and the toy is between my mom's legs.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was next to a crying baby.

Evidently that doesn't work if the baby is yours.

It's sad when you sit around waiting for mom to make dinner, and then you realize you are the mom.

Nothing is lost until Mom can't find it.

"I told my mom I thought parenting got easier as the kids get older, and she laughed so hard she cried a little."

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.