Family jokes
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.
Mom: "I gave you life and you should be able to wash dishes."
Me: "Why did you?"
Mom: "I was very drunk..."
Explains a lot...
I told an orphan to never stop talking until their parents come home.
Now I can’t get it to shut up.
I looked at my daughter. I told her what's wrong.
She said I wasn't being a daddy to her until...
What did mum say when grandpa called?
Boomerang.
A kid was asking a mother for money.
Mother: Sorry, I don't have money.
The kid kept asking the mother for money.
Mother: I already told you I don't have money.
The kid (the middle child): I'm your fucking child!
My elderly relatives like to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!"..
They soon stopped though, when I started to do the same to them at funerals.
Did you know that your son has been deeper inside of your wife than you have...unless you put the coat hanger up there?
What do you call an asian kid who's bad at math?
An orphan.
How do you punish a blind kid?
Move to a new house.
Oh, ate the cheese? Urmom.
What do you call a white girl that can run faster than her brothers? A redneck virgin.
What does "bitch" mean?
Son asked father, father said it means "you're handsome." Son said, "OK, you're a bitch." Father: "Of course not, I'm not a bitch!"
Why did the grandpa leave the house to go to the grocery store?
To get the ice cream for the grandma.
The teacher called Little Johnny to her desk. She said: “This essay you’ve written about your pet dog is exactly the same essay your brother has written.”
“Of course it is,” said Johnny. “It’s the same dog.”
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
What is the difference between an orphan's dad and a boomerang?
Oh... one comes back.
Ya mum!
My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!