Family jokes

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no.

See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen, and I could just have his motorcycle.

Mom, shut up. Me? I don't shut up, I grow up. When I look at you, I throw up.

How many orphans does it take to change a light bulb?

Obviously more than three because my basement is still dark.

Why did your emo mom get you?

To have someone to hang out with.

Yo mama so ugly... when she went to the haunted house... she came out... WITH A JOB APPLICATION!

Me: What's the difference between me and my grandpa?

Friends: What?

Me: I've been alive for the past 14 years.

Why can orphans not play baseball?

Because they can't find home.

What do you call two men fucking? My dad and I. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

My Dad pays a lot of attention to our household and has always had a good eye for detail. He was the one that first noticed that my mother and I have the same ring size.

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

I made a website about orphans.

It didn’t have a home page!

Why did the orphan cross the road?

To reunite with his parents.

Why do orphans like belts?

They remind them of their father.

A kid went to visit his bully, and he says, "How's your face?" The kid says, "How's your parents?" and proceeds to walk out of the orphanage.

Why does an orphan go to a spelling bee?

So they can spell "home."

When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣

Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.

He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"

"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.

Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"

What did the cow say to your mom?

Hello.

I called my mom on Alexa, and she told me, "Please take out the trash." I said, "But I can't, you're not here."

What is the difference between an Orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.