Family Jokes

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

What did the lawyer name his twins?

COURTney and CASEy.

Mary had a little lamb.

Key word is had, her dad's favorite meat is a human!

A father and a son were painting pictures together. The son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T, and the son said, "What happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle. The father replied with, "You know what happened, you were there." The son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings. They're exactly the same.

The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

A letter from his family; he hadn't seen them in years.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."

My mother said I'm sexy. I said no, I have cancer.

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

Why do orphans always get picked on?

They can't run and tell their parents.

Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?

A: Her dead fetus.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

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So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

Why do orphans never play baseball?

'Cause they can never get a home run.

An 80-year-old blind man asks his grandson, "Can you grab my glasses?"

Then the grandson says, "Did you get in the flour again?"

Grandpa said, "No, it was the weed."

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

The person to make the first cannabinol cookbook had a wife and ate (eight) children.