Family jokes
You and me went up to stab your father. He was out, do not pout. They are coming after.
Jack and Jill went down to hell to fetch your mother's bladder.
Her bladder broke. You two are soaked, and now you have a daughter, 'cause in that bladder was me!
Why did the cow lick your mum?
Because she had a cream pie.
Q: How can you spell cold with two letters? A: IC (icy).
Q: What state is surrounded by the most water? A: Hawaii (this is really just a trick riddle).
Q: David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle, and what's the third son's name? A: David.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because it doesn't know where home base is.
What did the orphan's friend give him for his birthday?
Lego, so he can build a home.
My grandfather said we rely on technology too much, so I unplugged his life support. Luckily, I remember his last words: "You little bastard!"
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
A: Why did the orphan not come to school today?
B: Because today we had a parent meetup.
In Home Alone, if the kid was an orphan, it would just be called "Alone."
What's an orphan's favorite sport?
Baseball, because that's the only time they can run home.
Why does your mom hate you?
Because you are a loser.
What’s the difference between Jesus and the toddler in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
Why can an orphan only get an iPhone X?
Because there is no home button.
How do you punish a blind kid?
Move to a new house.
Why are half of the orphans blind? Because they can't find their parents.
What's the most confusing day of the year for an illegitimate kid?
Father's Day.
Dad: What time do you wanna go to the dentist?
Daughter: *tooth hurty*
Dad: All right.
My mom wanted me to brush my hair.
And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...
My dad walked in on me having sex with a dog. She gasped and shouted at me, "Get out of here, it's my turn!"