Family jokes

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

A shop assistant is helping a little boy find his mum.

"What's she like?" he asked the boy.

"BIG COCKS AND VODKA!" said the boy.

So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.

I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

I told people your mom is also known as "MBD" because you're a mega baby dispenser.

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

Why can't orphans say "mommy: me?" Because the fosters said no.

A Mario & Luigi joke.

What are the Mario bros' view on child support?

Mario: The parents are obligated to provide for the child and help them the best they could.

Luigi: LMAO I GOTTA GO!

Sometimes when I think I'm ugly, I just think of my sister and it makes me feel better.

How many orphans does it take to screw a light bulb in there house?

None because they don't have a home.

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't make it home.

As I was eating this girl out, I thought I tasted some horse semen... I exclaimed, "Oh, Grandma! That's how you died!"

What is a redneck virgin?

A seven-year-old that can run faster than her brothers.

Little Johnny walked into the bathroom while his dad was taking a dump. As soon as Little Johnny walked in, his dad let out a big FART! Little Johnny said, “WHAT WAS THAT?” His dad said, “That was the sound of the north wind.” The next day his teacher asked the class, “What’s the direction of the north wind?” Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said, “TEACH IT’S MY DADDY’S BOOTY!”

Why can you bully orphans?

What are they gonna do, tell their parents? Oh wait, they got no parents.