Family jokes

Son: Can I go to my friend's mum? Mum: No! Son: Dad was right, I am a son of a bitch! Mum: Bad news, but you're adopted!!

Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.

My sister's pregnant, I'm gonna be a dad!

My dad came out of my step-sister's room as I came out of my step-mum's room.

My enemy told me I’m adopted, so I told him at least I got adopted.

I was gonna say when you were born your mum saw you and screamed, but I remembered you were adopted...

What do Orphans say on Father's Day?

Well, not "Happy Father's Day."

I asked my dad to come to my Father’s Day breakfast.

The orphanage worker just said, “Don’t be silly!”

Your kid's so ugly he would make a Happy Meal cry.

My grandma used to beat the hell out of me for coming home late. Guess who's late now?

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.

The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"

Finally my father came early from office today. I am very happy.

He was fired from his job.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you."

Dad: "Honey, I'll be right back. I need to get some papers."

Me: "Okay." *Falls asleep.*

*Wakes up in an adoption center.*

Damn, it was those kind of papers.

@everyone.. what's so funny is that JIT thinks he's so "cool" and that everyone is "amazed" about him hating on people who is wayyy above him on the roster.

The pathetic part is that he hates on everyone else's family and relationships when 100% of us have a WAYY better one than he will ever deserve. He was born pathetic, and will die pathetic. So JIT, please tell me what it's like to be such a coward?

Celebrating Mother's Day is confusing, says my cousin.

I asked my sister to say something.

She said, "No."

That's what I like to hear.

My friend says, "You should try Oreos with water."

Me: No, because my dad actually came back with the milf.

My dad died in 9/11.

He was the best pilot I ever knew.

Teacher: I was an orphan as a kid.

Students: Damn!

Teacher: Is anyone missing?

Students: Your parents!