Family jokes
My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted :)
What's the difference between an orphan and Daniel Larusso?
At least Daniel has a mom.
Never let an orphan watch Fast and the Furious.
All they will talk about is how great their family is.
20 years later
Johnny: Hey dad.
Dad: Yea?
Johnny: Fuck you, I ain't comin' back to your grave in 16 years, then ima come back, BITCH!
Dad: Doing the same thing I did to you and your mother, ay? I deserve it :( ;O not real...NOT A FUCKING ALL.
Johnny: Yea you kinda fucking do.
Dad:...
Little Johnny: Hey, Dad, are you finally back with the milk?
Dad: Yea, but it's expired, so I'm going back to the "milk store" and get more (and not come back for a couple more years). :)
Why can't an orphan get caught on the hub? They have no parents to catch them.
My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"
Why can't orphans bake?
They don't have milk.
What do orphans do after they win a game?
Nothing, they have no one to play games with.
I love telling good news to my patients, like they survived the crash but their family died.
I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.
Apparently I'm not allowed home after house fires, but the neighbors, their house burnt lovely.
What's the similarity between your mum and West Ham?
Your mum blows spunk bubbles from her ass.
Me: Knock knock.
My sister: Who's there?
Me: I eat mop.
My sister: I eat mop who?
My mind: I eat my poo.
My sister getting it.
When you unplug the charger to charge your phone, but you realize it was plugged into your grandpa's life support:
Why can’t orphans fly? Because they’re still winging it.
Little Johnny ran into the kitchen and asked his mother, "Mom, can little girls have babies?" His mom answered, "Of course not." A few minutes later, his mom heard him shout to his friend, "It's okay, we can keep playing!"
"Uh daddy harder," the orphan said. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a daddy.
A girl asked her mom, "Why is my name Walmart?"
Her dad replied and said, "Because that’s where you were made."