When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again.
Husband: Wait, dear... Don’t do it for the sake of our kid!
Wife: Kid?
Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
"Yo mama so skinny when she swallowed a meatball, everyone thought she was pregnant again."
Yo mama's so dumb, she trips over the wireless internet.
What is the worst thing your sibling can steal from you?
Your virginity.
Yo dad is so hairy, people chased him because they thought he was Bigfoot.
My parents told me that I should go hang with my friends and get out of the house.
So I called some of my friends and told them to meet me in the school yard. One said, "What tree?"
I replied, "You’ll know when you get here!"
My parents never said how they wanted us to hangout.
I PUT THE FUN IN DYSFUNCTIONAL
Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.
Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?
Son: Yes, why?
Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.
Yo momma is so fat, when she tried to hang herself, the noose broke.
Yesterday I bought my daughter a cat, but accidentally hit her with the car today. I have no idea what to do with the cat now.
Knock, knock. (Whose there?) Your dad. (But my dads dead.) I know, just reminding you!
Yo mama is so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
You are so intelligent that parents come running to beg you to be their child!
I went home one day and see a few married guys in line in my sister's room. I ask what's going on, my sister is running a contest. The contest is the married guys lick her pussy and guess what she had for breakfast. The winner gets a free blowjob. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder that she thought that she made up that contest.
I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.
A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."
Does a midget count as an orphan?
Why can't orphans walk through doors?
Because they don't have a house to walk into.
When someone says you're adopted, say, "But you're still at the orphanage."
