Family

Family jokes

It’s like Sonic always says, “If you’re ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do, tell their parents?”

Mia: I'm pregnant again, Paul. I can't wait for you to come home.

Paul: I got a tree to hit on the way.

Who's the closest family member to Paul Walker?

Answer: The tree.

Do you ever look at a person and think, "Just how many generations of inbreeding did it take to create you?"

Your mama is so ugly whenever she threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

Four men were asked if they could have something with their cousin for €500.

The first replied: "For 500€? Of course!"

The second said: "I'd do it for free!"

The third replied: "I would even give her 200€!"

The fourth replied: "With my ex? Never!"

Hondo's dad and mum went up the hill to do it in the water.

Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a Hondo.

My mom: Your life could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer.

Me: I wish I were Tracy Latimer, then someone would kill me.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

Doctor: I’m sorry, I can’t see you today.

Orphan: Oh, how about tomorrow?

Doctor: No, I can’t ever see you.

Orphan: Why?

Doctor: Because I’m a family physician.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.