Eye jokes
You're the bus driver. The bus driver picks up twenty kids, drops two, picks up eighty. Drops seven, picks up a woman with green eyes, drops off a man with blue, kicks a kid in the face, and buried his mother.
Who's the bus driver?
You will never nose [know].
I have two heads, four eyes, and six ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Yesterday I asked my friend, "What is a fish without eyes?"
They replied, "I don’t know."
I said, "Fsh."
Yo momma is so ugly, Slenderman runs from her.
It's also why he has no eyes.
What's Hitler's favorite Yu-Gi-Oh card?
BLUE EYES WHITE DRAGON
Three nuns are on their way up to heaven after having been involved in a terrible minibus crash on the Italian Alps that killed them and the driver (he went the other direction!).
As they're approaching the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by St. Peter, they are requested by an attendant to form a single line and wait. Sister Agnes is first, Sister Bernadette behind her and Sister Carmel on the end.
Finally, St. Peter approaches the nuns to determine their worthiness for entry to Heaven.
He says to the first nun: "Sister Agnes, have you ever seen the penis of a man?"
Sister Agnes bursts into tears and says: "Yes, St. Peter, I have, but please don't let this prevent me from entering the Kingdom of Heaven."
St. Peter says: "Never fear, my child. Say a thousand Hail Marys and then go over to that font of Holy Water and wash your eyes out, then you shall enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Sister Carmel sees what's going on and taps Sister Bernadette on the shoulder, somewhat urgently.
"Pssst - hey Bernie"!, she says.
Sister Bernadette asks: "What is it?" A little annoyed.
Sister Carmel says: "Do you mind if we swap places"?
Sister Bernadette replies: "What for"?
Sister Carmel says: "Well, I wouldn't mind gargling before you stick your ass in there!"
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you haven't told her twice.
What did Hitler tell the eye doctor?
“I can na-zi.”
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were walking down the street when a french fry caught the attention of Mr. Potato.
Mrs. Potato said: "I see you eye-balling that French girl!"
Why do Asians don’t wear contacts? Cause they can’t fitt.
God creating spiders.
God: "Make it have 8 legs." Angel: "Ok? Bit excessive but ok." God: "And 8 eyes." Angel: "You need to calm down and li-" God: "Give it a butt rope!"
A man broke into Stevie Wonder's house and threatened to kill his wife.
He just turned a blind eye.
What did one hurricane say to the other?
"I got my EYE on you!"
A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind
Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.
Mom: OMG, why son?
Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.
Think about it, then spread LMAO.
A guy went to the doctor and told him that whenever he drinks a cup of tea, his eye hurts. The doctor brought him a cup and asked him to drink. When he finished, the doctor told him: "From now on, take off the spoon."
A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.
The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."
So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"
Have you ever heard of the eye tear?
Me either.
Where did the eye doctor keep all his kittens? On Cat-A-Racks!
A blind guy and his seeing eye dog walk into a bar.
The blind guy starts swinging the dog around on the leash.
The bartender yells, "Sir, stop! What are you doing!?"
The blind guy says, "I'm just looking around."