I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All I got was dust and my mom's wig.
What is white and 9 inches?
Nothing.
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
My dad told me Santa was black, so instead of cookies and milk waiting for him when he came down the chimney, he got cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.
When you die, people cry and wish you to come back.
But when you do, people scream and run away.
My mom said you failed school. I said, "Don't be surprised, I'm a retard, Mom."
*WARNING* THIS WILL NEVER GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD - READ IF YOU DARE.....
What came first? The chicken or the egg?
Which came first? The color orange or the fruit?
Who taught the first ever teacher?
If you expect the unexpected, doesn't that make the unexpected expected?
If you describe something as 'indescribable', then haven't you already described it?
In the word 'scent', is the silent letter the 's' or the 'ce'?
Why do your lips touch when they say the word 'separate', but don't touch when you say the word 'together'?
How many photos do you think you could be in the background of?
The guy who discovered cow milk, what was he doing with that cow?
Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, "Oh no, it's a cop"?
Is it possible to cry underwater?
If two left handers have an argument, who is right?
I warned you!! You just didn't listen.... :O
My friend died. Me and my other bestie start singing the coffin song. My bestie in the coffin, why are you not sad? Why are you still alive?
What do garbage bins and horny women have in common?
They wait to be filled with a big load.
Person 1: Omg, my blind boyfriend cheated on me.
Person 2: What did you expect? Him to see other hoes...
GF: What do you think of our love?
BF: Count the stars in the sky.
GF: Aww... It's infinity!
BF: Nope. It's just a waste of time.
A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.
"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the Priest.
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, next I can become Bishop," said the Priest.
"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.
"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop," said the Priest.
"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest, beginning to get a bit exasperated, replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."
"And then?" asked the Rabbi.
The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."
"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.
"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"
"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
You have five seconds to kill me. 1... 2... 3... 4... Thank you. I can rest now. WAIT, HOW AM I TALKING?????????????????????
Mom: “Guess where I’m taking you, son!”
Son: “To the playground?”
Mom: “No, to the morgue.”
Life is like a Raisin Cookie you expected to be Chocolate
Dissapointing
Everyone thought I'd have a great year...
14 years just gave me more chances.
Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
