Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.
Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.
Me dozing off while driving.
Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.
What do you call it when everyone of your friends makes too many dumb Covid jokes? A pundemic.
A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.
But hay! It's in my jeans!
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...
Then IT hit me.
Why does everyone get offended at female firefighters?
Like seriously, if your house is on fire and burning, you wouldn't really care if the person saving you had a low IQ, right?
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.
Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me.
What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?
When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...
The whole solar system is one big family, right? But everyone circles the sun.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
