I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
Someone was throwing Stephen King books at everyone. I had no idea why though...
Then IT hit me.
Me dozing off while driving.
Everyone else on the passenger plane: September 11, 2001.
A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"
Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.
The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."
Everyone likes orphans but their parents.
Everyone: You gotta pay the cost to be the boss.
Germans: You gotta be the caust to be the boss.
I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.
Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"
A scarecrow said this job isn't for everyone.
But hay! It's in my jeans!
If you’ve got depression, then your life is a joke. Everyone laughs at both.
Yo, everyone! My sis is pregnant, and I’m gonna be a dad!
Jimmy does stand up comedy. He says, "What do you call an orangutan?"
Jake replies, "YOU!" Then everyone, including the teacher, laughs. Jimmy cries.
LOL
Roses are red, pussies are wet, when it goes in he gets upset. She said it's too small, so that's all. But later that day, he wanted to say, "Every time I play, no one complains, so she was just lying." She started flying, went out of her seat, the skirt went up, the greatest of them all. Everyone said, "Fly away big chunky balls."
A slag is like the first piece of bread in a loaf. Everyone touches it, but nobody wants it.
A man walks up to Lil Johnny one day and asks, "If you had one wish, but that wish will be granted to everyone on Earth... what would it be?"
So Lil Johnny thinks real hard and long, then said, "Well, I would wish for me to shit myself."
The man is shocked and asks why, and Lil Johnny replies, "Well, I would be on the toilet. I think everyone else would just be confused!"
What do a bag of chips and a gun have in common?
When you pull either one out in class, everyone all of a sudden wants to be your friend...
The whole solar system is one big family, right? But everyone circles the sun.
I got an Xbox achievement the other day. It said "Trash Master," and everyone looked at me at the funeral.
When you turn off all the annoying beeping things in the hospital, and everyone starts sleeping better.
A job is like virginity. Not everyone loses it.
