Have you ever met a knight with a metanite at night?
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Have you ever heard Stephen Hawking sing?
"Head, shoulders, wheels and frames, wheels and frames!"
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it. Pull it. Twist it. Harder. Better. Faster. Stronger. You put your left hand in. You put your left hand out. You put your left hand in and shake it all about.
None of you ever touch my penis.
Who wants to hear the biggest joke ever?
My life.
Today; worst day ever.
My annoying sibling got hit by a train, and I lost my job as a conductor.
If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.
Expresso, expresso, no more depresso!
What is the spiciest meat ever? Pepperoni.
Did you ever hear the story about the broken pencil?
That's okay. There is really no point to it.
What's the grossest thing ever?
A bag of dead babies.
What's even more gross?
The bottom one is still wriggling!
Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they...
Ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
Have you ever seen a baby unicorn? No! Because unicorns are gay rainbows in equine form.
I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. Next week he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
They can't ever find home.
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll f--ck you for $10." The boy says, "I would, but I don't have any money." She says, "Ok, I'll take the duck instead." He says, "Ok," so they go upstairs and f--ck. The prostitute says, "That's the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back, and we can do it again." So they do, and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, "Well, I got a f--ck for a duck, a duck for a f--ck, and $25 for a f--cked up f--ck."
The Man: "Sonny, why do you come to get some milk every day?"
The Son: "Because milk is important."
The Man: "Why don't you ever come with your mom?"
The Boy: "Who?"
The Man: "Your mom?"
The Boy: "I don't have a mom."
The Man: "I'm sorry for your loss."
The boy stared for a moment when two men came out of the vehicle and picked up the boy.
It took Jesus 3 days to respond.
Worst lag ever!
The greatest bond you will ever have is the one with your conjoined twin.
"Have you ever heard of the snail that never gives charity?"
"Yeah, he is so shellfish!"
