I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
Why were glow-in-the-dark condoms made?
To play Star Wars.
I'm glad I'm not a pornstar... that would be pretty sucky.
I went to a stand up show with the person who made my life a joke.
What did Mickey Mouse and Michael Jackson have in common?: (What *didn't* they have in common)
Same red shorts, theme park in their backyard, white glove, soft voices, loved children, they both were black with white faces.
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
A Labracadabrador.
The Harry Potter fanbase.
There was a Mexican magician. He was going to disappear on the count of three.
1-2-..... and he left without a trace.
Things we all do:
Call the Royal blue tang fish the "Dory fish," and the Clownfish "Nemo fish"! 🤣
I do this too often!
Why did the Star Wars movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Yoda was in charge of scheduling.
Why did an orphan kill ET?
To phone home.
What’s Michael Jackson’s favorite poker hand?
Jacks and 5.
What song do you play at an emo kid's funeral?
Van Halen's "Jump."
What is an orphan's most hated TV shows?
"Family Guy" & "American Dad."
I love telling dad jokes. He always laughs.
What’s the difference between life and a rape joke?
Life fucks you until you stop breathing; a rape joke fucks you until it’s not funny anymore.
What concert only costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
The worst comedians take 9 months to make a joke. Then they spend the rest of their lives trying to forget it.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
I don’t get why Katniss was bitching so much in ‘The Hunger Games’ books. Ethiopia has been competing for years and I don’t hear any of them complaining.
