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Mission

Why are we still fighting in darkness?

"Mission failed, soldier, we will get 'em next time."

Mob

I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...

Orphan

God, those orphans were putting up such a fight, I had to lock 'em in the basement.

Memes

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Grab

Trump likes to grab 'em by the pussy. Putin likes to grab them by their tiny hands.

Lemon

When life gives you lemons... call them yellow oranges and sell 'em for double the price!

Pig

What do you call a stabbed pig?

Porkchopped.

What is a pig's favorite Food Network channel?

Pork Chopped!

Hah, got 'em (I guess)!

Fetus

Welcome to Joe's abortion clinic! No fetus can beat us! You make 'em, we take 'em!

Decapitation

Hi everyone, my mom got me an iPad today, and this is really cool. Can someone tell me what decapitation is?

ABC

So, Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's. So he goes home and asks his mom, who's cooking, "What's the first letter of the ABC's?" He asks, and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!"

So then he walks to his sister, who's singing in the shower, and asks her, "What's the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" She responds with "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" Then he walks over to his brother, who's watching Batman, and asks, "What's the 3rd letter of the ABC's?" and his brother responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then he proceeds to walk to his dad, who's watching football, and asks, "Dad, what's the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" Then he walks to his grandma, who's cooking buns, and asks her, "What's the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" Then Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day, and the teacher says to her class, "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's?" Johnny, of course, raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. Then he says, "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" Then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says, "Young man, are you ready to go to the principal's office?" Then he proceeds to say, "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principal's office. Then she says, "What's your name, son?" He responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then the principal asks, "How many spankin's, boy?!" He responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" and after that, he runs out of the principal's office while yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"

Cat

“Did you show him the pictures of our cats?”

“Yes.”

“Did you hang ‘em?”

Dog

Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.

Mosquito

God creates a mosquito :)

God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.

Angel: okay... a bug.

God: now give it’s face a sword, but it has a hole so it’s basically a mouth.

Angel: weird... but okay...

God: and give it wings.

Angel: eh, not half bad Go-

God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS

Angel: *shook* o-okay

God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.

Angel: .-.

God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give ‘em a taste ‘o that! *evil grin*

Angel: *cries*

Angel: *whispers; I’m so sorry..*

  • 2

    • Hooker

    How many hookers fit in a Cadillac?

    About 4 in the trunk if you stack 'em right.