Driver jokes
Uber driver: .........
Me: .........
Uber driver: .........
Me: 5 stars.
Okay, so one time a deaf kid got into a car accident, but he didn't herd in on the news.
What do women and Nvidia have in common?
They both do not make very good drivers.
I crashed into the back of a car at the lights today.
A really short guy got out of it and said, “I’m not happy.”
I said, “Well, which one are you then?”
Why is Paul Walker a walker?
To let people know he isn't a driver.
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
What takes up 10 parking spaces? Five female drivers.
Your mini pecker is so small, the taxi driver said the ride was so short that he'd do it for free.
A cop pulls a man over and finds out he's drunk. So he asks for license and registration, and the drunk man says, "Can I see your flashlight?"
The cop says, "Just give me your license and registration." So drunk guy says, "Not until you give me your flashlight."
The cop said, "For what?" and the drunk guy says, "So I can shine it in your face and see what an asshole looks like."
I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.
So little Johnny was on the bus, and the bus driver already hated him. So he started to talk to himself JUST loud enough for the bus driver to hear.
"If my dad was a bull, and my mom was a cow, that would make me... a little bull!"
"If my dad was a rooster, and my mom was a hen, that would make me... a little rooster!"
And by this point, the bus driver was fed up with him, so he said:
"Ok little Johnny, I got one for you: If your dad was a drunk, and your mom was a whore, what would that make you?"
Little Johnny smiled and said: "A bus driver!"
A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit. He slams on his brakes, gets out, and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired.
A passing car slams on its brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny, pulls out an aerosol can, and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The bunny jumps up, runs a few feet, then stops, turns around, and waves its paw at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. Runs away a few more feet, stops, turns around, and waves at the two men. He continues to do this until he’s out of sight.
The first driver looks at the man with the aerosol can and says, “Wow, that is amazing! What is in that can?” The man looks at the can and reads the label, “Hair restorer, with a permanent wave.”
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.
Your mother is responsible for all the train drivers that are never ever late. She taught them all to pull out on time.
I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.
I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!
(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?
(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.
(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!
(Kid) Quit what?
(Bus Driver) Living.
(Kid) But it was a joke!
(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.
(Kid) Ok.
(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!
A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.
When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"
God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."
Why do the brakes keep squealing?
Because the driver hit it too hard.