I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."
Why does an orphan never learn how to drive? Because he has no dad to help him.
Your mother is responsible for all the train drivers that are never ever late. She taught them all to pull out on time.
I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.
I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!
(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?
(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.
(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!
(Kid) Quit what?
(Bus Driver) Living.
(Kid) But it was a joke!
(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.
(Kid) Ok.
(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!
A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.
When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"
God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."
Why do the brakes keep squealing?
Because the driver hit it too hard.
Your hairline goes so far back that cars on a highway don't know which way to turn.
Say all you want about priests, but at least they drive slowly in school zones.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
Tiger Woods had a good driver.
I was driving with my parent and shouted, "It's a superhero!" But I didn't know it was an emo kid.
I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."
(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)
What's white, yellow and goes 40 mph?
A train driver's egg sandwich.
Three sons left home, went out into the world, and each of them made a lot of money. During a reunion, they discussed the gifts they'd given to their elderly mum.
"I built a big house for our mum," said the first.
"I sent her a Mercedes, with a chauffeur," said the second.
And the third smiled and said, "I think my gift was the best. You know how much mum enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know that her eyes aren't so good anymore? Well, I sent her a remarkable cockatoo that recites the entire Bible, both old and new testaments. It took a priest twelve years to teach him. That cockatoo is the only one in the world that can do it. All mum has to do is name the chapter and verse, and the cockatoo recites it."
A few days later, mum sent out her thankyou letters. She wrote to the first son,
"The house you built is so enormous that I only live in one room. The trouble is, I have to clean the whole house."
To the second son she said, "I'm far too old to travel anymore. I stay at home most of the time, so I've hardly used the Mercedes. In any case, the driver is so rude."
To the third son she wrote "Dearest Freddie. You have the good sense to know what your mum likes. The chicken was delicious!"
What do you call an autistic person with a driver's license?
A LETHAL WEAPON!
Guy : are you depression cause you're crippling me Car driver : no I'm the guy that hit you with his car and crippled you Guy : don't worry I was already crippled because I got crippling depression
Every male is expected to pass their driver's test. Paul Walker clearly failed his.
what do you call a schol bus with 30 kids
a killstreak
My dad died in 911.... He was a good driver
What would the main character from Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver be named if he was a Mexican?
Travis Spick-le.
