DOE jokes
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
Why does Michael Jackson do positions with kids in photos? Because they won’t do the same for him.
Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?
What does a lesbian and a sea turtle have in common?
They both choke on plastic.
How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer?
A: None, it should be opened by the time she brings it.
Memes
What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?
A Jacko Lantern!
How many times does Ariana Grande knock at the door?
She doesn’t, she just uses 7 rings.
What does a lesbian have in common with a mechanic? Snap-on tools.
What does an orphan call a family picture?
A selfie.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
Out of a catalogue. 😁
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs?
Because the cow has the udder one.
What does Drake call his rake?
Da-Rake.
What does a transgender call his/her parent?
Transparent.
Your mama is so short, she does backflips under her bed.
Why does the sky think it's so powerful?
Because it's always looking down on us.
What car does Hitler drive?
A Fuhrerri.
A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?
Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.
Little Johnny was walking down an alley and saw a lamp. After he rubbed it, a genie came out and said, "You have 10 seconds to have one wish." Little Johnny says he wants to pee alcohol. The genie grants his wish. He tells his family, and his sister doesn't believe it. After having a drink, she says, "We should have this every night!" Little Johnny gets two cups every night, one for him and his sister. He does the same thing for four nights. Eventually, he ran out of cups and has one left. He gives it to himself, and his sister asks, "Where's my cup?" Little Johnny replied, "You're drinking out of the bottle tonight."
What do Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
Both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons!
What does a cigarette and a hamster have in common?
Both are completely harmless until you put it in your mouth and light it on fire.