Disease jokes

Stephen Hawking walking, oops, he does not do that anymore.

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer.

Stephen Hawking listens to the song "I Am Still Standing" and cries to himself.

It's so sad that Stephen Hawking can't stand up for himself.

What's the difference between a (hypothetical) girl and cancer?

Her dad didn't beat cancer.

Ask an orphan this: "What's the difference between cancer and your dad? Cancer comes back!"

What's green and has a thousand nipples?

A garbage bag in the alley behind a breast cancer clinic.

Yo mama is so stupid that she studied for a COVID test.

Titanic: And I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

What do Africans eat for breakfast?

E-bola Cornflakes.

We can nip March Madness in the bud, but only if we detect the warning signs of brooding, anti-social February Fever.

What goes up but never past the digits 15?

A Make-A-Wish kid...

What is Stephen Hawking's favorite food?

His left shoulder.

What was I saying again?

Yo mama so dumb, when the doctor told her she had coronavirus, she bought a new laptop.

Last night I had the strangest dream!

I sailed away to China!

And I caught the coronavirus!

You said you needed to wash your hands!

Didn't want no one else to touch you! What does that mean?!

And you said!!

Ain't nothing gonna break my lungs 😤!

Ain't no way of slowing Covid down!

Oh no I've got to keep on coughing!!!

What’s the difference between a prostitute and cancer?

A prostitute can beat my dick any day, but a prostitute can’t beat cancer.

On a bus, a priest sat next to a drunk who was struggling to read a newspaper.

Suddenly, with a slurred voice, the drunk asked the priest:

"Do you know what arthritis is?"

The parish priest soon thought of taking the opportunity to lecture the drunk and replied:

"It's a disease caused by sinful and unruly life: excess, consumption of alcohol, drugs, marijuana, crack, and certainly lost women, prostitutes, promiscuity, sex, binges, and other things I dare not say."

The drunk widened his eyes, shut up, and continued reading the newspaper.

A little later the priest, thinking that he had been too hard on the drunk, tried to soften:

"How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis! It says here in the paper that the Pope has it."

What's bald and can't grow no hair?

A kid with cancer.

I told my mother I'm a sexy cunt. She said, "No, you got cancer, you twat."