Difference jokes

What's the difference between you and me?

I have a plan for this new year.

So long, suckers. Keep scrolling.

What’s the difference between a hot potato and a flying pig?

One’s a heated yam, and the other’s a YEATED HAM!

What's the difference between you, your uncle, and your dad?

One didn't go in the closet.

What's the difference between a man's wife and his dog?

Lock them both in the trunk for three hours and see which is happy to see you when you open it.

What is the difference between Paul Walker and the Queen?

Paul Walker passed 100 before he died.

What’s the difference between a pig and Maddie McCann?

Least a pig had an apple in its mouth when it was spit roasted.

What is the difference between a tree and walking home from a wheelchair?

What's the difference between a water bottle and Africa?

One has water; the other one doesn’t.

What's the difference between a magician and a chorus line?

The magician has a cunning array of stunts!

What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?

You can’t abuse an alligator.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?

Santa Claus gets to leave the chimney alive.

"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Tank." "Tank who?" "You're welcome!"

What is the difference between a school bus and a baseball?

You can throw a baseball, and you can’t throw a school bus.

What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?

I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.

What is the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face for my birthday.

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What's the difference between a Doberman Pinscher and a Social Worker?

Eventually, you can get a baby back from a Doberman Pinscher.

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me. I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus:] Hey, now, you're an All Star, get your game on, go play Hey, now, you're a Rock Star, get the show on, get paid. And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

It's a cool place and they say it gets colder. You're bundled up now wait 'til you get older. But the meteor men beg to differ Judging by the hole in the satellite picture.

The ice we skate is getting pretty thin. The water's getting warm so you might as well swim. My world's on fire. How about yours? That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored.

[Chorus 2x]

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas. I need to get myself away from this place. I said yep, what a concept I could use a little fuel myself And we could all use a little change.

Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming. Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running. Didn't make sense not to live for fun. Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb.

So much to do, so much to see. So what's wrong with taking the back streets? You'll never know if you don't go. You'll never shine if you don't glow.

[Chorus]

And all that glitters is gold Only shooting stars break the mold.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

What’s the difference between school and prison? One is painted.