Die jokes

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

The emo kid said, "I wanna die." But the quiet kid said, "Nah, I'm gonna die myself, bye!"

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish not to die a virgin.

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality!

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.

Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.

Stephen Hawking died when he ran out of data for the month.

Nechen has been writing articles for the class for years.

Then the Guru asked him, "If I die now, what will be on my grave?" Fritchen searched for the plastic bag and shouted, "This is a protective bag!!"

Race car backwards is race car.

Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.

Two of my grandpas died in WW2.

Their tower fell over.

You know why you never wanna fly with an orphan?

'Cause then they know they won't die alone.

3 men walk up to Indians, one American, one Muslim, and one African American. The Indians say, "We're all gonna kill you." One of the men asks why. The Indian says, "So we can use your skin to make kyanks." He also says, "Y'all decide how you die." The Muslim says, "I want to drown," so they drown him. The African American says, "Shoot me." And the American grabs a fork and starts poking himself everywhere, I mean everywhere. The Indian said, "What's the point of this?" and the American says, "F**k your kyanks."

They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!

A man dies of old age on his 25th birthday. How is this possible?

Answer: He was born on February 29.

Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?

It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.

Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy? He died of a yeast infection.

What happened to the chicken after he died? He did not say anything, so I don't know.

Two guys were walking down the street, and one of the guys told his friend he could talk any blond in the world into giving him a blowjob, any blond!

So the guy bet him 20 bucks and pointed to this cute blond sitting on the side of the road and said, "Alright, let's see it!"

The other guy walks up to the cutie and says, "Hi, my name's Dave, and my doctor just told me that if I didn't get a blowjob from a blond within three hours, the disease I have will kill me in, oh, let's see now, 22 minutes!"

She looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "You mean I could save you from dying right now?" Then she says, "Pull it out!"

Ten minutes later, the two men were laughing and patting old Dave on the back when his friend noticed the blond sitting in the alley bawling her eyes out!

So he walks over to her and says, "I would have thought you would be so happy for saving my friend's life?!"

So she looks up at him just crying her eyes out even worse and says, "I could have saved my dad!"

We finally have something in common with Africa. They die of starvation, we die of overeating.

My best friend was recently gunned down in a drive-by shooting and died a virgin, but he wasn’t buried one.