Die jokes

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

How are wet clothes and a depressed person alike? One gets hung up to dry, the other gets hung up to die.

Why does no one die a virgin? Cause life fucks us all.

What's the difference between Derek Boogaard and Kurt Cobain? Nothing, they were both fucked in the brain when they died.

Life lesson guys:

Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

If I smiled one centimeter each time I watched someone I hated die, I'd look like the Cheshire Cat.

Your mother is so fat, she broke the stairway to heaven when she died. jaja ur momma dead.

Roses are red, violets are blue, my mom and dad died, next you'll be gone too.

If it’s called the “living room,” why did my grandma die there?

The biggest inconvenience in 2001, I thought, was my brother. Turns out it was 9/11. I guess the planes saw him be born and died from how ugly he was. Aluh aluckbar.

One thing is for sure, the victims from 9/11 died warm.

(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?

(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.

(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!

(Kid) Quit what?

(Bus Driver) Living.

(Kid) But it was a joke!

(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.

(Kid) Ok.

(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine.

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"

Shit, I’m never gonna try to commit suicide again. I almost died!

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."